Hyperextended Families

Apparently knees and elbows have a "normal range of motion". Movement outside that range is called "hyperextension." I've heard that it can hurt quite a lot, and sometimes do quite a bit of damage.

Relationships, like joints, being more or less flexible connections between more or less rigid personalities, acquire a "normal range of motion." We establish patterns of interaction with siblings, spouses, parents, and children, to which we become accustomed. Even when those patterns are unpleasant, the familiarity of the routine (or "rut") provides a certain self-perpetuating normalcy. In studying the types of marriage which endure the longest, Cuber and Harroff discovered that a significant number of long-lasting relationships fit a pattern they named "conflict-habituated", which essentially describes a couple so accustomed to fighting with each other, that they wouldn't have it any other way. (Reminds me of an old Andy Griffith episode.) Despite the well-intentioned advice of preachers, psycho-babblers, booksellers, and other busybodies, most families persist in patterns that include "unhealthy" and "unhappy" dimensions, simply because that is how their joints and tendons have been formed.

Extended families add complexity and reduce familiarity, but nevertheless fit the same paradigm. Adult children often relate to their spouses in ways that imitate their parents; cousins recognize and repeat both the affection and the mockeries of their aunts and uncles. Distant relatives whose names are not easily recalled can be recognized by the behavior patterns that are common on "that side" of the family, and dealt with accordingly. Predictable gatherings triggered by traditional events (holidays, weddings, funerals) activate memorized interactions, mitigating the risk of the unexpected emotional explosion. As long as everything moves and flows within that familiar "range of motion", anxieties abate and families function.

But when we move outside that range, whether by reckless abandon or unforeseen circumstance, hyperextension can occur, and pain and injury follow. Deep emotional vulnerabilities are exposed when those who know us best (and perhaps love us most) wander into areas where they were not invited. Critical wounds that leave lasting scars result when sharp tones and barbed remarks strike unguarded flesh and raw nerves. Nobody knows where the sore spots are quite like family; those who helped us forge and don our armor know where the gaps and chinks are.

Treatment for familial hyperextension usually involves a combination of repair, rest, and rehabilitation. Repairing damaged relational tendons is tricky business; it would be wise to consult an expert in the field. Rest is harder than it sounds, and involves modifying your behavior to avoid putting weight or stress on the injured area. Avoiding the people and circumstances that could aggravate the injury will certainly disrupt your normal routine, and may require a relational "brace" to immobile the weakened joint. Rehabilitation is all about time and effort. Slowly rebuilding strength, without doing further harm, requires discipline and determination, as well as focused self-awareness. Respect your limitations, and do not rush the recovery. Exercise the damaged relationship to the point of challenge, but not to the point of damage, and it will strengthen over time. Full range of motion can be regained, but only with patient persistence and courageous caution.

Of course, prevention is preferable to treatment, where possible. Stretching and strengthening relational "muscle" is a life-long endeavor that many emotional couch-potatoes neglect. Learning balance and boundaries is a challenge of continuing education, with trial-and-error the most common curriculum. As the old country doctor was often heard saying, "If it hurts when you do that, stop doing it!"

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Full disclosure: My last two weekends were spent in extended family gatherings. Two weeks ago, I was with my wife's family in the celebration of her parents' fiftieth anniversary. Last weekend, I was with the family of a church member, on the occasion of her granddaughter's wedding. Both events were wonderful, memorable, enjoyable, and overflowing with the dynamic potential for risk and reward that makes such occasions both worthwhile and exhausting. Nobody got hurt, that I know of.

May all of your family gatherings, extended and otherwise, provide you with as many blessings.

-- Brother Tom